Enterprise Weekend— Your ultimate guide to streaming platforms

Good morning, nice people, and happy FRIDAY. Ramadan is officially less than two weeks away, so we’re cherishing the last days of morning coffee and nice, big Friday breakfasts — we hope you are too.

Enterprise Weekend comes out each Friday at 9:00am CLT. We’ll be back on Sunday at 6am with EnterpriseAM. Until then: Enjoy the weekend.

LAST WEEK IN 3 MINS-

It was a busy week in the news, with plenty of updates on the Madbouly government’s privatization program, a EGP 190 bn social support package, and more scrappy ways to address our ongoing FDI crisis.

PROGRESS ON PRIVATIZATION-

Expect stake sales in pre-IPO fund firms in April: The Sovereign Fund of Egypt’s (SFE) pre-IPO fund is set to offer stakes in 2-3 state-owned companies to strategic investors or via public share sales in April.

Eleven companies are headed to the pre-IPO fund in total: Stake sales in 11 of the 32 companies in the government’s privatization program will be managed through the pre-IPO fund.

We’re about to find out who’s buying into the state-owned hotels company: The government will “within days” make an announcement on stake sales in the seven hotels it bundled into one company ahead of a sale.

Could the gov’t field offers for up to 20% of TE in the next two weeks? The government reportedly hopes to wrap up a roadshow and receive offers for a 10-20% stake in national telecoms provider Telecom Egypt (TE) before the start of Ramadan. Officials are said to be looking to onboard several new investors to TE, capping each stake sale at no more than 3% of the company.

The latest in the bidding war for Pachin: The shareholders of Paint and Chemical Industries (Pachin) will not consider National Paints Holding’s (NPH) revised acquisition offer until two other bidders (Compass Capital and Eagle Chemicals) in the race respond to the latest from the Emirati company.

CBE wants advisors for United Bank sale: The Central Bank of Egypt (CBE) has sent investment banks — including several Western banks — a request to pitch for an advisory role in the sale of United Bank of Egypt, which was almost sold to Saudi Arabia’s sovereign wealth fund before talks stalled, apparently on a dispute over the valuation.

PLENTY OF MACRO NEWS-

Inflation soared much faster than expected to a fresh five-year high of 31.9% in February (more on that in Sunday’s EnterpriseAM), which has also pushed the non-oil private sector to contract for the 27th consecutive month, albeit at a slower pace. Meanwhile, our net foreign reserves were effectively flat at USD 34.35 bn in February compared to USD 34.22 bn in January. Reserves fell 20% last spring on the back of the war in Ukraine and tightening financial conditions.

MORE ATTEMPTS TO BRING IN FDI-

The Madbouly government moved to make it easier for foreigners to become green passport holders, saying it will grant citizenship if they purchase assets worth no less than USD 300k using hard currency transferred in from abroad (down from a previous USD 500k), or if they establish a solo or joint investment project with an USD 350k investment in addition to depositing USD 100k at the state treasury. They can also get in line for citizenship by depositing a refundable USD 500k into a zero-interest account at an Egyptian bank, or a non-refundable deposit of USD 250k into the state treasury.

In another move to get FDI, the New Urban Communities Authority (NUCA) will reportedly hand investors a 15% break on the price of land if they pay the total sum up front using hard currency held abroad.

A CUSHION AGAINST INFLATION-

The Madbouly cabinet approved an EGP 190 bn package of social support measures that includes raising public-sector wages and pensions as well as a modest measure of tax relief by raising the income tax exemption threshold. The measures are aimed at mitigating the impact of soaring inflation on the public. We expect they will soon be followed by a move to raise the top tax rate for wage tax to 27.5% on gross wages over EGP 800k per year.

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GOOD NEWS FOR FINTECH- The CBE has issued new regulations allowing contactless card payments via mobile apps, a system that could allow Apple Pay and Samsung Pay, among other e-wallets.

AND FOR GREEN HYDROGEN– China Energy could start working on a USD 5.1 bn green hydrogen facility in Egypt in May, the company’s CEO, Ye Jianming, said during a meeting with Prime Minister Moustafa Madbouly.

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WHAT’S HAPPENING NEXT WEEK-

SCZone heads to Vietnam: The Suez Canal Economic Zone (SCZone) is heading to Hanoi from 12 to 17 March in the latest stop on its roadshow to drum up FDI to the zone, according to an SCZone statement. SCZone CEO Walid Gamal El Din is set to discuss potential investment with Vietnamese textile, auto, tire and communications companies.

We’re also definitely keeping an eye out for more privatization news, as the state continues its roadshow for Telecom Egypt’s stake sales, the procedures for which it plans to start before Ramadan.

Check out our full business calendar on the web for a comprehensive listing of upcoming news events, national holidays and news triggers.

YOUR MOST CLICKED LINKS-

• We’re grateful to see that many of you took the time to read about the departed father of our friends Amr and Hassan Allam, Essam. Essam helped build Hassan Allam Holding into a giant. He passed on to his sons the human decency, competitive drive, and innovative spirit that characterize the business today. (Ahram Gate)
• Plenty of you wanted to know what your “office personality” was from this NY Times quiz. (New York Times)
• A lot of you took interest in HSBC’s global supply chains report, which is essential reading given the ongoing global realignment of supply chains gives Egypt a once-in-a-lifetime chance to rebuild an export-oriented economy. (Survey, pdf)
• The CBE’s move to allow contactless card payments via mobile apps piqued your interest. (pdf)
• Reuters’ report on Egypt’s economic woes also got a lot of attention.

☀️ THE WEATHER THIS WEEKEND- We’re in for another warm weekend: Temperatures will hit daytime highs of 28°C today and tomorrow, while overnight temperatures will hover around 13°C and 12°C.

We live in the age of the streaming platform: Long gone are the days of waiting all week for the next episode of your favorite show: Binge-watching is now the norm. That prompted a massive pivot away from paid satellite TV in MENA (or “direct to home,” in industry-speak) and from cable television in the west.

With inflation rising and economic uncertainty a constant issue in mainstream media, streaming platforms and traditional broadcasters have taken it on the chin. Investors wiped more than USD 500 bn from the market value of the biggest companies, putting pressure on streamers to up their games (and their prices).

Bye bye, password-sharing, hello price hikes: Netflix recently started cracking down on password sharing, limiting the number of households that can access one account and hiking subscription prices for subscriptions that aren’t ad-supported. Launching in Egypt only last June, Disney+ has hiked the annual cost of its streaming services 21.7% from its initial reduced price of EGP 390. Apple TV+ — a few years older than Disney+ — has seen a 50% increase in the monthly cost of a subscription. It was priced at only EGP 79.99 back in 2020.

This makes life harder for binge-watchers: Mns of Netflix users will be booted out of their friend’s / partner’s / coworker’s / parent’s Netflix accounts and forced to create one of their own once the password-sharing limits hit Egypt as part of the platform’s phased rollout — and they’ll have to do so in an environment of heightened prices.

So, if you don’t want to pay north of EGP 500 every month on streaming platforms that you end up never using, here’s a handy guide to help you choose the ones that fit your taste, budget and streaming needs.

NETFLIX

PRICING- Netflix recently reduced its prices for Egyptian watchers — the monthly cost of a basic plan (which only supports one device streaming at a time) is EGP 70, a standard plan (supporting two devices and showing “full HD” content) is EGP 120 and a premium plan (supporting four devices + showing “ultra HD” content + spatial audio features) costs EGP 165.

WHAT TO WATCH- Synonymous with streaming, Netflix has been producing original content since 2011. Fan favorites The Queen’s Gambit, Stranger Things and Wednesday are all Netflix originals, and the streaming platform has fostered awareness of new actors and foreign language shows like Squid Game. It also has a wealth of classics, from Seinfeld to Egyptian black and white films.

Netflix’s catalog of original and licensed TV shows and movies differs country-to-country. We’re doing pretty well in Egypt coming in at number 16 of countries with the most TV shows (168) and films (426) available — although we only have 14.5% of the US TV library and 9.27% of the film library, according to SecureThoughts.

KID-FRIENDLY? Parents can customize what content children can see by adjusting the ratings restrictions and can block specific titles from showing up for their children. You can also completely lock your profile with a password.

USER-FRIENDLY? Netflix is by far the most user-friendly streaming platform on this list. The app works on all types of phones, in all regions, and has foreign language options and content.

AMAZON PRIME VIDEO

PRICING- Amazon Prime Video comes in at EGP 29 monthly and EGP 249 annually. Bonus tip: Amazon also has Freevee (formerly IMDb TV) — a no-charge, ad-supported streaming service with original and licensed content.

WHAT TO WATCH- Prime Video has also had hits with originals, The Boys, Hunters and the most expensive show ever made, The Rings of Power. The platform has a different library depending on the country you’re in, and it allows you to stream only selected Amazon Original titles if you travel outside of your home country, in a section labeled ‘Watch While Abroad’.

KID-FRIENDLY? Yes, you can password-lock your profile on Amazon Prime.

USER-FRIENDLY? Not the easiest of platforms to navigate, it can be difficult to differentiate between paid content and content you can access without charge on Prime Video.

APPLE TV+

PRICING- Apple TV+ costs EGP 119.99 a month, but every purchase of an Apple device comes with three months of unpaid access.

WHAT TO WATCH- Apple TV+ is a drop in the ocean compared to Netflix, providing only original content. The streamer has pumped big bucks into its productions, like The Morning Show, which was produced with a USD 300 mn budget, and is the home of breakout stars, Pachinko, Ted Lasso and Bad Sisters.

KID-FRIENDLY? Yes, Apple TV+ allows you to restrict content or lock your profile with a password.

USER-FRIENDLY? Apple TV+ has a slightly maze-like layout — its streaming services are housed within a larger Apple TV app that also includes your iTunes library and content from other connected streaming services, which can be confusing. Apple TV (different to TV+) is the umbrella term for Apple’s living room strategy that contains all the hardware, software and streaming services sharing the Apple TV name. A number of streamers (130+) allow their subscribers to access content through the Apple TV app. That includes HBO Max, Disney+ and Amazon Prime, but not Netflix.

DISNEY+

PRICING- Launched in Egypt only last year, an account with Disney+ will set you back EGP 49.99 monthly or EGP 498.99 annually.

WHAT TO WATCH- Disney+ is full of family favorites that parents will love as well. The platform holds the majority of the Disney and Pixar libraries, recent studio releases like Encanto and Turning Red and the Star Wars and Marvel franchises. Disney+ shows largely identical content around the globe, with slight regional differences.

KID-FRIENDLY? Like Netflix, the streamer provides parental controls for kid’s profiles that allow parents to customize what children can watch.

USER-FRIENDLY? Yes, the layout is simple and easy to navigate.

OSN+

PRICING- OSN+ standard plan comes in at EGP 90 a month, providing SD content and allowing only one device to stream content at the same time. The premium plan — which provides HD content and allows you to stream on two devices simultaneously — costs EGP 140 a month.

WHAT TO WATCH- The platform owns the rights to HBO, Paramount and NBC / Universal,, which means it provides access to a large number of Arabic and English-language films and TV shows (and some Turkish too). Big hitters include The White Lotus, Succession, The Last of Us and House of the Dragon.

KID-FRIENDLY? Yes, you can lock your own accounts with a password and set your kids’ profile to kids mode.

USER-FRIENDLY? No complaints here, though the app has bugged out for us quite a few times, with episodes ending abruptly mid-viewing.

TOD

This one’s for the sports buffs: TOD, beIN’s streaming service, provides Arabic, Turkish, international, and children’s entertainment content, but its strong suit is definitely sports. The app has a tab dedicated to football coverage, and broadcasts international league matches on top of basketball, tennis, golf and more.

PRICING- TOD Total, which includes TOD originals, shows and movies as well as plenty of sports-focused content, will set you back EGP 429.99 a month, while TOD Theatre, which houses TOD Originals and Arabic and Turkish content, but no sports broadcasts, costs EGP 119.99.

KID-FRIENDLY? Yes, you can lock your profile and create a kids’ profile on TOD.

USER-FRIENDLY? Yes, it passes our test.

FOR MOSALSALAT LOVERS-

With Ramadan round the corner, Shahid VIP and Watch It have you covered for where to watch this year's mosalsalat – both offer wide coverage of Arabic-language content.

SHAHID-

PRICING- Shahid has mobile only subscriptions (which also work on tablets) for EGP 19.99 a month, which can be used on one device at a time. The platform’s VIP package costs EGP 59.99 monthly and can be used across 20 devices (mobile, TV or laptop) and offline, while the VIP Sports package costs EGP 109.

WHAT TO WATCH- Shahid holds what it says is the Arab world’s biggest streaming library with original Egyptian, Khaleeji, Turkish and Indian shows, including Room 207 and The Accused, and every year comes out with its own original Ramadan releases. The VIP sports membership provides access to the Saudi sports live channel, Saudi competitions hosted in the country and some international football leagues.

KID-FRIENDLY? Yes, you can lock your profile and create a separate account for the kids.

USER-FRIENDLY? The platform isn’t the most user-friendly out there; its episodes are usually listed in order of most recent, rather than in sequence — which has inadvertently spoiled many, many shows for us.

WATCH IT

PRICING- Arabic content platform, Watch It, provides monthly or annual packages for one screen at EGP 50 a month, two screens at EGP 80 a month, and three screens at EGP 110 a month. If you subscribe now, the price is 60-70% lower as part of their pre-Ramadan packages.

WHAT TO WATCH- The platform streams a lot of exclusive Ramadan series, and also provides a lot of original content to watch year-round, including Egypt’s version of Shark Tank.

KID-FRIENDLY? Yes, you can lock your profile and create a separate profile for the kids.

USER-FRIENDLY? Not really — the app can be very buggy, especially in the post-Iftar streaming rush hours of Ramadan, where some episodes won’t load at all.

OTHER THINGS TO WATCH-

HAVE A FAVORITE VPN? You can access a lot of British content without charge: Terrestrial platforms like the UK’s BBC iPlayer, ITVHub and All4 all have a wide selection of shows and films — including some of our favorite reality shows (The Great Pottery Throwdown and The Traitors are our guilty pleasures.) You don’t need to pay to subscribe, but you’ll need a VPN to access any of them; we recommend ExpressVPN or NordVPN.

Fan of the less conventional? There are plenty of platforms offering more niche content. BroadwayHD provides recorded plays and musicals, films inspired by Broadway shows and famous concerts for USD 11.99 a month or USD 129.99 a year. One for film connoisseurs, Mubi has impeccably curated films, leaning towards arthouse and independent content, for USS 5.99 a month. Crunchyroll houses the world’s largest anime library with more than 40k episodes and over 16k hours of content, and has three subscription tiers starting at USD 7.99 a month. Horror streamer Shudder (you’ll need a VPN) has a backlog of cult classics, Hollywood favorites and original productions for USD 5.99 a month or USD 56.99 a year.

PSA- Now that you know WHERE to watch your favorite films and mosalsalat of the year, stay tuned for our essential Ramadan viewing guide next week to find out WHAT to watch during the holy month.

???? AT THE MOVIES-

Michael B. Jordan flexes his directorial — and physical — muscles in an exceptionally strong debut with Creed III, covering universal topics including family and men’s mental health. The film pits Jordan’s Adonis Creed against Jonathan Majors’ Damian “Dame” Anderson in a bitter battle between childhood friends. Jordan cited anime as a big influence on his directorial vision, and fans of Naruto and Dragon Ball Z will definitely see the parallels in the visuals and relationship dynamics between the characters. The movie’s performance exceeded all expectations, being the first sports film in history to surpass USD 100 mn in its opening weekend. It’s now the highest grossing installment of both the Rocky and Creed franchises.

We can’t believe we’re saying this, but the two-hour movie could have benefited from being even a little bit longer, and not just because we couldn’t get enough of Jordan (who indubitably beats the bad acting allegations thrown at him) and Majors (a rising star expected to become one of the top actors of his generation). The extra runtime would have helped flesh out the emotional conflict more to bolster the emotional payoff at the end. While sometimes a bit heavy-handed, the film also stuns with breathtaking shots and captivating scenes.

WAIT… WHERE’S ROCKY? Sylvester Stallone previously said he would not be returning as Rocky Balboa in Creed III, while implying that he would not be returning ever again due to a public falling out with the franchise’s longtime producer Irwin Winkler. Creed III marks Stallone’s first absence from the franchise in 47 years.

WHERE TO WATCH IT- You can catch showings of Creed III at any VOX Cinema, Galaxy Cinema, IMAX Cinemas, and Point 90.

TRIANGLE OF SADNESS-

Triangle of Sadness, directed by Ruben Östlund, is a social satire “for our times”, writes Guardian film critic Alex Needham. The film continues a streak of excellently made capitalist critique films and shows — think The White Lotus and The Menu — and excels at never allowing the satirical comedy to get boring, as BBC’s Nicholas Barber notes. The film stars the late Charlbi Dean as a famous supermodel and influencer who with her boyfriend (and fellow supermodel played by Harris Dickinson) go on a luxury cruise.

What happens? The couple is surrounded by a slew of grotesquely rich characters — including a Russian b’naire oligarch who owns a fertilizer business and an elderly couple who turn out to be arms dealers. The film sees the cruise slowly descend into anarchy, and includes an entire chapter with some of the characters stranded on an island, stripped down to the core and exposed to life without the support of money and power.

WHERE TO WATCH IT- You can catch the film today at Zawya Cinema at 4pm, or on Tuesday, 14 March, at 7pm.

???? FROM THE BOOKSTORE-

“Probably one of the most important works of fiction to come out of Egypt in the past century” is how Publisher Seif Salamawy described The Magnificent Conman of Cairo by Adel Kamel. The novel follows Khaled, a spoiled son of a Pasha, and Malim, a carpenter’s apprentice, whose name translates to penny. Disillusioned by the injustice Malim faces when they cross paths, Khaled cuts ties with his autocratic father and joins Malim’s fellowship of con artists living in the ruins of a Mamluk citadel.

Reviews of the book cite Kamel’s wit and craftsmanship, but Waleed Almusharaf, the translator responsible for the English edition, sums it up best. He finds both comfort and frustration that the “basic seeds” of Cairo exist today just as they did when the novel was written in the early 1940s. He notes that everything from the Cairene sense of humor to the sense of hopelessness remain the same.

Where to get it: If you long to connect with Cairo’s past, you can find The Magnificent Conman of Cairo in AUC Press Bookstores and on Amazon.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR- Adel Kamel is a long-forgotten and undervalued novelist and playwright. He was the founder of the unofficial but prominent “harafish” writer’s collective that fostered talents such as Naguib Mahfouz, who incidentally believed that Kamel’s novel, The Magnificent Conman of Cairo, was “exceptional,” according to Hoopoe Fiction. But publishers during Kamel’s time didn’t agree: The manuscript was rejected by the Arabic Language Academy in 1942, prompting Kamel to quit the publishing industry altogether and move to the United States. Luckily, the manuscript was unearthed by Hoopoe and translated by Almusharaf in 2020.

???? HOT AND FRESH OUT OF THE KITCHEN-

There is no shortage of options at Silk Road Chinese Restaurant, which boasts over 80 authentic Chinese dishes and 40 hotpot ingredients to dip into your choice of original or spicy broth. Located in front of Joy Luck in Maadi’s Nerko neighborhood, you might have known its predecessor, the Chinese Karaoke Bar (RIP). If you’re a first-time visitor relying on Google Maps, don’t expect to find the pictured storefront — the restaurant is located on the first floor of an unassuming building — but the pinned location will steer you true.

While the decor is sparse, their portions are nothing short of generous, so our advice is to be frugal when ordering no matter how tempted you are to try all the hotpot ingredients. The number of choices might be overwhelming during your first visit, but you can never go wrong with staples like sweet and sour chicken and fried rice. If you’re feeling adventurous, we recommend you order the following ingredients with the hotpot: fungus, fresh-cut or spicy beef, and the noodles. Whatever you do, do not leave until you’ve tried their unbelievably delicious dumplings.

Two things to keep in mind are that the restaurant closes at 9:30pm, but they won’t ask you to leave halfway through your meal. In fact, if you’re there long enough, you might catch the owners and staff sharing dinner. Another thing to consider before you rush to try their fresh and authentic dishes is that they don’t currently accept credit card payments, but this mild inconvenience is definitely worth the experience, which promises a wide array of great dishes served by friendly faces.

???? Per person: Typically around EGP 300-500

???? Alcohol? No

???? Outdoor seating? No

???? Accessibility friendly? No

We heard it said out loud: “Gas and alcohol don’t mix.” Little did then-President Mohamed Morsi know that his mangled reference to “drinking and driving” would become part of his legacy. Satirist Bassem Youssef, along with many, soon started the “Egypt and Mursi Do Not Mix” campaign.

As a nation, we have always had a penchant for compiling lists of things that don’t mix. This chemical and that? They don’t mix. Business and pleasure? Peanut butter and ketchup? Again, don’t mix ‘em. I could go on: Mexican food and tight jeans. Pizza and pineapple (sorry, Canadians). Kunafa and avocado (not sorry at all, Etoile).

Why, then, do so many companies assume that their place of business should mix (almost always unlicensed) with residential buildings?

Most of us can at least try to skip the kunafa during Ramadan — unless, that is, the pastry shop opens on your ground floor, rubbing sweet syrup into the open wound that is Egypt’s zoning regulations.

(And while we’re on the subject of pastries — and with Ramadan just 13 or so days away — a note to all pastry shop owners out there: Please leave the kunafa alone? Just this year? No more exotic fillings or hidden surprises for us. The only green thing you can stuff into our kunafa are USD bills.)

Stop me if you’ve lived this before: You go to sleep all peaceful and happy — then wake up the next day to a living nightmare. Your building has turned into a construction site, and it’s not the historic villa down the street being bulldozed. No, it’s the ground floor of your building that’s being transformed into a hair salon, a café, a restaurant.

Or better still: The apartment right next to you is suddenly “global headquarters” for a startup, their army of (overpaid) fresh graduates stalking the hallways, huffing their vapes as they make phone calls in a building that has never (ever) been zoned for office space.

The problems are too numerous to count.

For starters, the company has staff, visiting clients, and guests — all of whom have cars. Cars that need parking spots — commodities worth fighting for as cavemen fought with clubs and spears to defend their shelters.

How do we cope? As Abu Ahmed would tell you: All is fair in love and war parking spaces. And war it is. Once your car leaves that sweet parking spot in front of your building, your own Abu Ahmed will — like the veteran soldier he is — defend it. His weapon of choice may vary, but will surely include one or more of the following: pumpkin-orange cones. Big stones. Massive potted plants. Cement blocks. Metal posts with jury-rigged padlocks.

How to make it worse? Throw three companies into a building that lacks enough underground parking spaces for all of its (legal, licensed) residences — if, indeed, it has underground parking at all.

And so it is that those of us unfortunate enough to live above (or below or next to) that hot startup are forced daily to do war if we have a hope of finding a parking spot in a three-block radius of our building.

Not bothered by having to engage in street fights over parking? Consider the litany of fire, health, and safety issues that come with a business moving into your building. Think: Fire exits. The stench of grease from a deep fryer. Massive waste collection issues (from offices and restaurants alike). Startups that create electrical fires and shortages by illegally overloading electrical systems.

I get it: We’re not a nation that prioritizes physical health and safety. Or mental, for that matter: Who the hell can unwind when, after engaging in a war over parking and wading through startup people in your hallways, you arrive upstairs to be serenaded by noise from the café next door or the restaurant across the street?

A case in point: A good friend not long ago complained endlessly about the rarity of good restaurants in Maadi. She stopped the day an Italian seafood place opened up in her literal back yard. Her living room and its kitchen share the same wall. Once the commotion of frying pans and pots start in the kitchen, my friend (in all other circumstances a peaceful human) turns into the Demogoron, ready to open a dimensional portal and take the restaurant with her to the Upside Down.

We don’t get to choose our neighbors, but we do choose our neighborhoods and the types of buildings in which we nest. Your neighbor’s kid? The one modeled on Dennis The Menace? Nothing you can do. But you can choose not to live next to a nursery of little shrieking minions.

This is one area in which folks who live in new-build developments have an edge over those of us in established neighborhoods: There are iron-clad regulations for residential, commercial, and mixed-use buildings. And where a SODIC or a PHD or whoever will consistently enforce those rules, not so our friends at the local district council (hayy). For folks like us, zoning violations and random construction have become the norm, and while the state has recently shown some interest in solving the problem, its enforcement drive has been haphazard at best.

Zoning violations are being handled as part of the same “reconciliation” program that has seen the state give owners of illegal buildings a path to legalization. Owners who have rented to (or who run themselves) businesses in purely residential buildings are dealt with under the same program as wildcat builders, giving them the chance to rezone properties if they pay a fine. The program has been amended more than once to be less financially taxing, more inclusive, and even more forgiving.

Mercifully for those of us who have to live in these buildings, reconciliation is not a simple process. Many owners raced to apply for licenses last year when the Housing Ministry said it would allow ground floors to be rezoned for commercial enterprises. I bet they stopped in their tracks when they read the requirements, which include:

• The unit should be on a main street;
• The street on which the unit resides needs to at least 21 meters wide;
• No similar or conflicting businesses can be in the same neighborhood;
• The Building Owners’ Association (read: your neighbors) need to agree they’re cool with having a business in the building;
• The building (or the area) needs to have sufficient parking spaces to avoid the creation of traffic problems.

(You know what else the program should stipulate? That those of us driven ‘round the bend by companies in our buildings be allowed to send the violators bills for our psychotherapist's fees — in reconciliation).

And that program? Its fate could be in question after the Supreme Administrative Court issued a controversial ruling, saying that rezoning residential properties as administrative or commercial violates the Building Act.

Navigating the maze of laws is not for this sailor. All I want is a neighborhood that respects its neighbors. As much as we want to see our neighbors become rich, rich, filthy rich by building their own businesses, we prefer they not do it in our building — or by renting their flat out as a dance studio.

Ultimately, I don’t believe in fairy tales. I would love to fantasize about a happy marriage of commercial and residential tenants in the same building — the same way we fantasize about the princess marrying the frog. But we all know better, people. The frog won’t turn into a charming prince. Odds are much higher (as Shrek and Fiona showed us) that the princess will become an ogre.

Sorry, Fiona. Nothing personal. Or as Billy Crystal as Dr. Ben Sobel once said: “Don’t kid yourself, Jelly. It doesn’t get more personal than this.”

ANALYZE THIS is a regular Enterprise Weekend column by the Mother of the Resident 15 Year-old.