To all of the proud parents of Cairo’s fur babies:

As a mom myself, I know we’re all smitten by the cuteness of our babies, furry or not. Our hearts melt as they babble, burp, and drool — you name it. But I think we can all agree on one thing: When it’s time to clean their chubby baby a*ses (however many times a day), it’s a gentle reminder that when you pray for rain, you better be prepared for the mud, too. And truly, the “brown situation” is one of the least-fun parts of parenthood. Fun or not, it’s our parental obligation to wash those butt cheeks, collect the diapers, toss them (the diapers, not the babies) in the bin, right?

But what if we woke up one day and decided to take our human balls of joy to the park — sans diapers — and left them to poop wherever they pleased? That would be a visual treat, wouldn’t it?

And therein, friends, lies the problem: Our city streets have become the Official Dumpsters of Doggie Doodoo, strewn with visual treats that leave no room for imagination. Name a size, color, texture, or state of decomposition, and you’ll find it on our streets.

Nowhere is this clearer in the capital city than in the People’s Democratic Republic of Maadi, where there’s no denying that a wonderful (and growing) community of dog owners are happily marching the streets with their bundles of joy. We love stopping to pet their dogs; seeing them come together for doggy playdates, birthday parties, and brunches; and saying “Hi” to Michael, the neighborhood’s famous dog whisperer.

As much as I hate to be a party pooper, I must point out the obvious (to which so many are oblivious): Your dog doing his business is, unfortunately, your business, too. We all share the same sidewalks and streets — streets on which you’ve left an unmissable trail of doggy doo. It’s a joy to step in — and spread to our cars, homes and work.

Yes, I know. It’s hard to scoop the poop. Hell, maybe you already have too much s*it in your own lives to even contemplate stopping to pick up more. But the rest of us don’t care if you’re lazy or distracted or your ingrown toenail is acting up — you need to pick up after your fur baby.

Leaving dog poop in the middle of the street or sidewalk is bad for everyone — the environment, our health, and the health of other people’s furry fiends. The bacteria and parasites in dog poop is impressive: A single gram of dog poop contains 23 mn fecal coliform bacteria (pdf) — that’s a lot of crap.

Wait, it gets worse: Roundworm, one of the most common parasites in dog waste, can remain infectious in contaminated soil for years. And don’t even get me started on salmonella, hookworm, tapeworm, giardia, and E. coli — all of which can transfer via waste to humans, to your own dog, or to others’ four-legged friends.

As a trained observer myself, I can confirm your dogs’ treasure also attracts pests — flies, rats, and roaches, all of which are vectors for disease.

“But it’s a fertilizer,” you say. I hear you, my dear friends. But the simple fact is that our sidewalks don’t need fertilizing.

“Okay, but my dog poops on the grass in front of my neighbor’s building.” Great. I won’t speak for your neighbors (who are unlikely to enjoy the s*itty situation you’re creating), nor will I speak for their poor gardener. But consider this: Dog poop is a crappy fertilizer. Cow manure is perfect — produced by animals that feed mostly on plants and rich in nutrients that helps grass grow. Dog poop, on the other hand, is highly acidic (most dogs have diets high in protein) and it can damage your lawn if you let it sit out for too long. Composting dog poop isn’t an easy peasy process, either, considering the strict guidelines you need to follow to ensure all of the parasites and bacteria die.

Do you think I’m bullsh*tting? Go read Can I use dog poop as fertilizer in my garden? on Doody Calls.

And so it is that your dogs’ feces sit royally in the middle of our streets waiting to decompose (a process that can take weeks), presenting a health threat to everyone around you.

If you don’t want to read articles beseeching you to clean up after your buddy, then please take a minute to read the signs around you — including, in our neighborhood, around Cairo American College and the Angolan ambassador’s residence. Not lacking in literacy, many turn a blind eye to these gentle reminders, leaving us no choice but to try to get their attention through less friendly measures.

They say accountability breeds responsibility — and it’s a no brainer that dog poop is here to stay until dog owners are held accountable for what’s obviously not a very civil act.

That’s why I’m suggesting our elected representatives come up with fines for dog owners who fail to clean up after their pets, leaving feces on any sidewalk, street, lawn or other public area. Perhaps our dear sanitation office (do we have one?) or the officials at the Hayy (are they still alive?) could consider the prospect of new revenues though fines on the order of what North American and European cities impose:

• Los Angeles: USD 500
• Washington, DC: UD 150-2k
• Toronto, Ontario: CAD 300
• New York City: USD 250
• Obernai, France: EUR 1k
• Berlin: EUR 35-300

So, dear parents of fur babies, act now and save your future pocketbooks. Or perhaps just be good for goodness sake. Resolve to stoop and scoop. It’s still February — certainly not too late to make it a New Year’s resolution to clean up after your dogs. Go buy a box of doggie bags and a pooper scooper — or put your babies in diapers.

Sorry, guys. Nothing personal. Or as Billy Crystal as Dr. Ben Sobel once said: “Don’t kid yourself, Jelly. It doesn’t get more personal than this.”

ANALYZE THIS is a regular Enterprise Weekend column by the Mother of the Resident 15 Year-old.