Once upon a time, Egyptian pop shaabi star Shaaban Abdel Rehim rose to stardom when he sang of turning a new leaf by quitting smoking and lifting weights. But the heyday of setting ambitious resolutions that then fall flat may be behind us, with studies showing that 80% of New Year’s resolutions fail. One of the main reasons that resolutions fail is that certain behaviors are so deeply rooted in our consciousness that the things we want to change often reflect deep set beliefs about our own inadequacy. That nagging voice that tells us that we’re just not good enough leads us to set overambitious goals and then self-sabotage. And our resolutions become part of the 80% that fail.

All you need is love. Self-love, that is. Sometimes, change is not a complete transformation, but rather an acceptance of who we are. Exercising self-compassion by reflecting honestly on our shortcomings and empathizing with ourselves has proven to be more effective than boosting self-esteem. It also helps us to be honest with ourselves about the areas that we do not need to improve and our own limitations in doing so.

But also, get over yourself. While self-improvement is a good goal to have, studies show that our over-obsession with improving ourselves often paralyzes us, preventing us from focusing on things that can actually be fulfilling. Ironically, studies show that being interested in stuff other than your own well-being or happiness makes you happier. This isn’t just some hippie-dippy rhetoric either — self-help and the constant pursuit of self-optimization can be toxic, producing adverse mental health consequences that range from depression to anxiety to feelings of low self-worth.

So, do we give up resolutions altogether? Not necessarily, but definitely take the pressure off yourself to achieve with them. Adopting a gentler approach is likely to be more effective and can make you feel better about yourself. Rather than starting from scratch and setting overambitious goals that are bound to fail, experts suggest building on something that you’ve already made progress with. In this way, you won’t be discouraged at the first roadblock.

Use instant gratification. Present bias or instant gratification is our brain’s tendency to prioritize short-term goals over long-term ones (hitting snooze just one more time versus going for that morning run, for example). So focus on creating small rewards along the way to your larger one — because that big dream of yours may not get you out of bed in the morning just yet. This will allow you to gradually build up trust in yourself as you work to eliminate that negative self-talk.

Celebrate victories (however small). Give yourself a little pat on the back when you do manage to hit those small milestones, because how you feel about yourself is a big part of creating a mindset that allows us to visualize how we want to feel. Simply reflecting on small wins and developments over the course of the year will help build up your self-trust and help you create a positive (and realistic) mindset as you learn to embrace your flaws and learn to overcome the obstacles that make you feel that you’re not good enough.