Activist investors mounting a bid for your kid? Activist investors from Quonset Point Capital (QPC) are mounting an activist campaign to takeover “Brande,” a three year-old. That’s the premise of illustrator Zoe Piel’s hilariously on-point parody activist proxy fight pitch deck (pdf). QPC has a full plan to unlock Branden’s potential and specializes in “improving underperforming children.” It seeks to “maximize shareholder value through strategic engagement with parents,” and while it is sympathetic to parents, it is “prepared to
nominate replacements when necessary” as “parental deficiencies” are “resulting in destruction of shareholder value.” QPC qualified nominees for the board include: Keith Webster, Jr, who spearheaded sharp reduction of daughter’s Breyer horse collection; Brenda Beppo, who successfully averted major tantrums in multiple ShopRites; and Mark W. Dealy, who is not mad, just disappointed. The plan to improve Branden’s efficiency includes shifting to ice cream cake to curb birthday party expenses and replacing the usual four bedtime stories with just two. H/t Matt Levine’s Money Stuff.

The soundtrack for this morning’s edition was provided by The Black Clouds’ release “After All.” It’s proof that uptempo, grungy riffs are still being made — and produced by Jack Endino, who helped create the signature sounds of early Soundgarden, Green River, Nirvana, TAD, Screaming Trees, L7… the list is seemingly endless. Check out this playlist on Apple Music for more of Endino’s work behind the board.