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Friday, 3 March 2017

Hollywood is ruining the ‘80s

Hollywood is ruining the 80s: Hollywood Executives are the locusts of creativity, consuming some of the most brilliant cinematic memories from our childhoods and repackaging what comes out the other end to win over bright-eyed Snapchat users. The reboot-franchise machine is working on overdrive, ruining cult classics and masterpieces alike, from our favorite cartoons (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) to beloved video games (the Super Mario movie coincided with a global spike in child prescription med abuse). Below, we call these executives to account for their crimes against ‘80s pop culture:

The Terminator: Somewhere in the 1990s, it became possible in our dimension that the same man who made the Terminator made Titanic. It is perhaps no surprise that every subsequent film in the franchise since has been worse than before (especially after Linda Hamilton left). The worst came with 2003’s Terminator 3, where suspension of disbelief wasn’t even paid lip-service: We’re supposed to believe a lifeless machine that goes back in time can look 60-something. At this point, not even Emilia Clarke as Sarah Connor can save the series.

Die Hard: Nothing makes you feel like you’re packing on the years like watching Bruce Willis do the same. The first two movies of the franchise were everything that was right about an action flick in the ‘80s: John McClane didn’t look like he had been nursed on steroids in his infancy in preparation for the day he needed to take on 180,000 terrorists single-handedly. He was simply the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time. Then it happened again. And again. And again.

Star Wars: Some fans will say this new trilogy is alright, but that’s wishful thinking — like taking back your ex for the fourth time. They gave it to JJ Abrams after all — convicted of first degree homicide for the slaying of Star Trek. Only two positive things can be said about the new trilogy: It cannot be worse than the last one — and Carrie Fisher will not be forced to watch it play out.

Ghostbusters: No, we don’t hate the reboot because it now stars women. They were hilarious. But they weren’t the original guys. We’ve been waiting on a Ramis, Murray, Aykroyd reunion since Ghostbusters 2 in 1989. Ultimately, the new movie simply wasn’t good enough to justify forgetting the pain of that long wait.

Endangered species list (ie: dying to be killed by remake): Back to the Future; Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Every 1980s Martin Scorsese film.

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