What the guy who makes iPhones would tell Donald Trump or: Taking The Donald to school on bringing manufacturers back to the US. Bloomberg Gadfly’s Tim Culpan showed us what a letter to US president-elect Donald Trump from Terry Gou, Chairman of Foxconn Technology Group, the company that actually manufactures iPhones, would read like — and it is brilliant.

The fictionalised Gou tells Trump that next time he speaks with Taiwan’s president, it could be him. “We have a lot in common, you and I. We’re both bn’aires (although I am richer), we both like to build things, we’re both married to gorgeous younger women.” The key policy advice from Gou: “you don’t actually have to create any jobs, you just have to make people think you’re going to create them. I am sure you’re familiar with the concept.” Also, manufacturing iPhones in the US might not go down too well: “I hear you’ve been telling people you’re going to get Apple to build stuff in America. Well, you see, Tim Cook doesn’t build things, I do. In fact, I got [USD 75 bn] in revenue from them last year… If you want iPhones to be made in America, I can make that happen, too. Heck, I can set up a production line in Trump Towers if you like, but the costs will be yuuuge… You see, I don’t manufacture in China just because it’s cheaper, but because thousands of suppliers are there … I can deploy more robots in the U.S., sure, but it can take months to train them whereas humans can be taught in a few hours. Besides, more robots mean fewer jobs.

“Bumping up your import tariffs won’t change the equation much, but give me tax breaks, subsidies to hire workers, cheap electricity and free land, and I’m sure we can come to some arrangement. Let me know what numbers you want to Tweet, and I’ve got your back… Like that wall you’re planning to build, somebody’s going to have to pay. And it won’t be me, let me tell you.”